Bleak Mid-Winter of His Mind
by rowandaze
Summary: Aramis does not like the cold anymore. The others have made it their mission to shield him from it.


On cold nights Athos will always go out of his way to bring Aramis a hot drink. Looks will be passed, sometimes a nod, sometimes a half smile of reassurance from Aramis to Athos and Porthos. When camping on a cold night both Athos and Porthos ensure that Aramis's bedroll is closer to the fire and sometimes they wake to find Aramis wrapped in Porthos's arms. No one speaks of it. It's just the way things are. d'Artagnan would be lying if he said he wasn't intrigued by this. Aramis is not a weak man by any stretch. He is a fine soldier, a sharp fighter and a skilled healer. He does not appear to be a man, made fragile by the cold but there is something there, something d'Artagnan cannot figure out.

As a group they joke and tease and laugh at each other's foibles and ticks. But no jokes are made about Aramis and his apparent inability to deal with the cold nor are mentions made of the protective shield they place around him on a chilly night. Aramis does not like to be coddled yet he accepts the arms around his shoulders with ease and looks grateful when Porthos stands between him and a howling wind as though his bulk alone could stop the gale.

d'Artagnan knows there must be a reason for it, he is observant and came to realise early on that this trio of friends rarely do anything without reason.

When he finds out about Savoy things become a little clearer. Aramis was left for dead on a freezing night with no company but that of a group of dead musketeers. It's horrible to think about and d'Artagnan can't begin to imagine what it was like to live through it.

When they find Marsac dead in Aramis's arms Porthos goes to him and that's when the tears start and Aramis falls to pieces. Athos gently removes Marsac from Aramis's arms and Aramis slumps backwards into Porthos's waiting arms. Aramis cries until he falls into an uneasy slumber. Porthos's legs have gone to sleep under him and his knees ache but he pulls himself up and carefully cradles Aramis to his chest and carries him to his rooms.

d'Artagnan doesn't know how to help. Aramis is so strong; he can't believe the grief he has just witnessed. 'Those tears are five years in the waiting' Athos speaks. d'Artagnan wants to follow Porthos & Aramis but Athos's hand on his shoulder stops him. 'Let Porthos settle him, he will need us all later'.

Treville has slumped into his chair, worn out by the scene before him and years of keeping his secret from his most trusted of soldiers. 'Let him take a few days if needs, one of you may take turns to be with him.'

'He will be alright, we will see to that' Athos speaks, 'd'Artagnan, help me move Marsac'. They work in silence as they move the body and when they are done d'Artagnan can't help but ask 'how bad was it?'. Athos takes a deep breath His first thought is do say 'bad' and leave it at that but he has never spoken of that night and perhaps it will do him some good to unburden.

He takes another deep breath and slowly begins, the weight of each word evident as he softly speaks "We got word of the massacre from a passing trader. Porthos and I did not wait for orders we just left the city and headed straight for Savoy. By the time we reached the site of the massacre some local villagers had begun to lay the bodies side by side. We found Aramis between two of the fallen, his body so cold he was solid as though in death and his pallor was that of those who laid dead beside him. I could not believe it. He has always had luck on his side and I was sure we would find him alive. Porthos" Athos pauses, settles his breathing that had begun to race and continues "Porthos howled like a wounded beast and I had felt sure we would leave his spirit, there in that dead field, but in that moment as we leaned into gather Aramis into our embrace his eyes opened and a tear fell. He could not speak, nor move. His body was so cold the tears froze on his cheeks. He suffered a serious head wound and a stab to the gut. We thawed him out that night and he suffered great pain as the blood flowed once more in his veins but that was not the worst of his pains. The loss of his brothers, watching as they were slaughtered whilst he fought on knowing he could not help them then being left to rot amongst their bodies took its toll. It was sometime before he was himself once more." Athos stops, d'Artagnan watches the faint shaking that has taken over Athos's hands.

"It sounds truly horrible, for all of you. A weaker man would not have survived" "No, they would not" Athos agrees "He does not deal so well in the cold now, the snow, it brings back memories and sometimes his mind plays tricks on him and makes him think he is back there. It is difficult to watch but if it happens you must speak to him, remind him he is not there, bring him back to the present. These episodes are not frequent now, thankfully, they leave him exhausted and shaken to the core. I am sad to say I fear they might return to him now." The two stand in silence for a moment when Athos speaks once more "These episodes, they do not make him weak, I trust him with my life in battle and out of it" his stance is guarded and he looks fierce as d'Artagnan responds "I could never doubt him, I have had the greatest of respect for Aramis since the day I met him. I have even more now. He survived a horrendous ordeal. Should his mind play tricks again I will do all I can for him." Athos looks so relieved by the young Gascon's word that he pulls him in for a half embrace. "Come. Let us see how our friend fairs".

They quietly enter Aramis's rooms. Porthos is sitting up on the bed, his back against the headboard and Aramis lies by his side, his head cushioned into Porthos's chest. Porthos has been running his fingers through Aramis's dark curls and Aramis is dozing lightly. Porthos nods to the new arrivals, a nod that reassures both Athos and d'Artagnan. "He woke briefly" Porthos whispers "I think he will be alright, in some ways I think it's the best thing that could have happened him, brought him an end to it all." Despite his best efforts to remain quiet Aramis feels the rumbles of Porthos's words and begins to stir. "'orthos?" he mumbles, not quite awake. "Aye, Athos and d'Artagnan are here too". Aramis struggles to sit up, to acknowledge them. Athos comes closer, a gentle hand pushing him back down "No need to rise, get some more rest." Aramis reaches out; squeezing his hand lightly and Athos can't help but fondly brushing his fingers across the scar from the ambush, mostly hidden from view by Aramis's hair. "Perhaps when you feel more awake I can convince Serge to make some of that cassoulet you like so much." Aramis slightly starts at d'Artagnan's words. Athos and Porthos have witnessed his past outpourings of emotions. They have all been soldiers long enough to know that everyone has a breaking point. d'Artagnan is young and Aramis so desperately wants to set a strong example for him. He knows by his words that d'Artagnan does not think any less of him now and for that he is grateful. "I would like that" he mumbles as he settles back against Porthos. They barely hear him utter the word "tired" before he closes his eyes and softly snuffles the sounds of sleep. Porthos continues running his fingers through Aramis's hair. Athos and d'Artagnan take seats by the bed exchanging glances with Porthos. "He will be alright, we will see to that" Athos repeats his earlier words to Treville. It is not just a fact, it is a promise. They will see Aramis through his bleak mid-winter of his mind.


End file.
